Love, Actually
by Sally6
Summary: More like shagging, actually. An idiotic Christmas hamper for all you HP fans out there. Slash and much OOCness! HPDM, RWHG, SSRL, ADMM etc etc…


Disclaimer: I own nothing I tell you! Unfortunately JKR holds my cast in her clutches...damn. Also, the title of this fic belongs to that slush- monger Richard Curtis, god bless him!  
  
A/N: This complete shambles of a fic is dedicated to Kat, Dee, Maria, Rara and all the rest of the crew.  
  
Love, Actually.  
  
I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes, Christmas is all around me, come on and let it snow...  
  
Oh yes, Christmas was definitely in the air and everyone who's senses had not been completely numbed by the sugary festivities was feeling it in all of their appendages.  
  
Breakfast on the 24th of December happened to be the worst time of the year, except of course on the 25th, to be a grumpy old sod and Snape was painfully aware of this every single year. This year it didn't help that Remus Lupin kept winking at him and looking him up and down from head to toe in the most alarming fashion before raising his eyebrows to dangerously high heights and mouthing what Severus was sure was "How you doin'?" All very frightening stuff, especially to a middle-aged man who hadn't had sex in at least two decades and to whom, quite frankly, even Moaning Myrtle was beginning to look quite attractive.  
  
Harry, sitting at the Gryfindor table and trying to eat some breakfast without being sick, sighed dramatically as Ron and Hermione both glanced up at each other at the same time before both looking quickly away again, their cheeks turning a deep crimson. He nudged Ron violently under the table, "Why don't you two just put us all out of our misery, huh?" he hissed.  
  
"Shut up, Harry, you know she doesn't like me..." Ron scowled, his ears turning rosy and clashing horribly with his hair, "...she likes that greasy old git Snape."  
  
"Don't be a fool, Ron! As if she could!"  
  
Hermione leant her cheek in her hand and gazed across the crowded hall to where the brooding potions master was sitting at the staff table. She sighed lustily. Ron gave Harry a 'told you so' look before coughing loudly in his friend's direction.  
  
"Hmmm?" Hermione kept one eye on Snape as she turned to face the two boys.  
  
"Hermione, you have a little drool, right there..." Harry pointed to her chin and received a rib-crunching blow from Ron as she checked herself in a handheld mirror.  
  
"Trouble in paradise Potter?" the trademark heavy English accent of Malfoy junior drew Harry back from the edge of a fight with his carrot-topped companion.  
  
"Oh no, Draco, everything's just peachy!" Harry grinned like the lovesick puppy he was. Ron gagged on some mashed potato.  
  
"I'm glad to hear it," Draco gave a toothy, shark-like smirk, "Afterall I would *hate* to hear of any back problems you might be experiencing, after all we must stay limber for the Yule Ball."  
  
Harry gave a breathy laugh which made even Hermione drag her eyes away for long enough to give him a surprised look, but Harry didn't notice because he was beaming dreamily at Draco's retreating posterior. Ron scowled.  
  
"You're attention please..." Dumbledore stood up and the great hall fell into silence as he began to explain the arrangements for this season's ball. Snape shifted over to the far side of his chair, trying to avoid the wandering hand of Remus which was creeping further and further up his leg, and ended up practically sitting in Trelawney's lap. Judging by the muffled squeal that she omitted this was not a good plan, and he soon found himself with the hand equivalent of the Grand Prix going on at the top of his thighs. Curse his damned sex appeal.  
  
***  
  
"Hermione!" the cosmetically deranged Lavender and Parvati waved manically and gestured for her to leave the hall with them, "We only have twelve hours before the ball! We have to hurry if we want to be ready in time!" Each placing a painful manicured grip on her arms they dragged the helpless Hermione through the double doors kicking and screaming as she lost sight of her beloved at the head table.  
  
***  
  
"Isn't it nice to see the young ones getting excited about Christmas again Albus?" Minerva leaned across a plate of scrambled eggs to whisper to her heavily bearded superior.  
  
"Yes it is my, dear." He twinkled suggestively over the rim of his glasses, "Do you remember that time in 1657 behind the broom sheds?" Minerva let out a high Scottish giggle, "It was Christmas Eve, I believe?"  
  
"I believe it was, Headmaster."  
  
"Shall we retire to relive old memories in the comfort of my chambers? Perhaps with a couple of toasted crumpets?"  
  
"Why, that sounds splendid, Albus." Standing and taking her arm in his, Albus Dumbledore stood and led Professor McGonnagal through a back exit of the hall, much to the dismay of Snape who was feeling very damp and uncomfortable and didn't like the fact he had been left with a hall full of hormonal teenagers either.  
  
"Severus..." Remus purred into the thick black hair, "...you can't avoid me forever you know..." he rubbed his hand over the other man's crotch suggestively.  
  
"Oh, c-can't I?" Get away from me you strangely attractive creep!  
  
"No you can't, you old minx you!" Remus tugged him out of his seat and Snape was, not for the first time, thankful for his voluminous robes, "Come on, I'll let you see my Astronomy tower if you let me try your magic potion..."  
  
Snape wasn't entirely sure whether the innuendo made complete sense but it didn't look like he had much choice, Remus was awfully strong for a homosexual, and Snape had never been much of a sports person. He wriggled against the iron grip on his buttocks pathetically.  
  
***  
  
Several, not displeasurable, hours later, Snape emerged form the top of Remus' tower tired and bedraggled but feeling in a much better mood. He raised an eyebrow sardonically and felt very much like the suave cad he used to be in his youth. Ahh...youth...Talking of which, there surely must be some sexually frustrated young virgins hanging around the place just waiting for a specimen such as him...oh, the good old days...He grinned again and couldn't help but cackle a little manically.  
  
Stepping into the corridor he flicked his hair back roguishly and stalked off to find his next victim. No woman, or man for that matter heh heh, could resist him; god bless sex appeal!  
  
***  
  
Pushing him violently against the damp wall of the transfiguration classroom, Draco crushed his lips to Harry's and proceeded to grind his hips against him. Harry just stood there and played the helpless maiden, well not exactly played, more was.  
  
Winding his hands through the other boy's hair, Draco pulled Harry closer and deepened their kiss. Harry marvelled at the other boy's wand technique as his hands found their way down into his pocket.  
  
Neither boy questioned why they were suddenly getting off with their arch nemesis; they just went with it. It was quite fun, actually, and it was Christmas, afterall.  
  
***  
  
As the band limbered up and the bathtubs full of 'punch' were placed around the great hall, Albus dimmed the lights and opened the doors to let in the torrent of sugar-high students.  
  
*Ahhh-hhhh...I don't want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need...*  
  
"Hermione, would you, I mean, would you - " Ron blushed and gave his friend a pleading look which she completely ignored because she had just noticed that Snape was leaning nonchalantly against a larger than life plastic candy cane and sending her his best moody come-hither pout.  
  
* I don't need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace...*  
  
"Hello, Hermione. How are you?" Damn but he was sexy, if he could he would shag himself...on second thoughts...he decided to save that one for later.  
  
God that man could read out a telephone directory and give her an orgasm! "I'm good, thanks." Stay calm, Hermione, stay calm.  
  
"You look particularly ravishing this evening..." He smiled slowly, Hermione let out a muffled moan as he slid his arm around her waist, and in true villain fashion, escorted her outside onto the patio where he proceeded to deflower her in the most satisfying manner.  
  
***  
  
"Harry, have you seen Hermione anywhere?"  
  
"What? No, I haven't Ron, sorry." Harry gave his friend a sympathetic look and shifted position so as to shield him from the silhouette of what has happening outside, and he had been enjoying watching, "Here, why don't you have some punch? It'll lighten your spirits."  
  
"Alight then," Ron ladled out a plastic cup full of the luminous pink fluid and tried to ignore the suspiciously floating blue lumps in it as he gulped it down.  
  
"Wanna dance Won?" Lavender twisted her greasy dyed blonde hair around her little finger and ran her tongue over her glossed lips. Harry flinched in repulsion.  
  
Ron was about to pull a face but instead he smirked and grabbed the poor girls hips before sucking her face into the next millennium. Harry looked desperately around for the alien invasion, but finding nothing, opted for a calming cup of punch instead. Thankfully, Draco soon arrived clad in a very snug set of silver robes and soon had Harry preoccupied enough to forget all about it.  
  
***  
  
It wasn't long before the Christmas spirit had the entire population of the school within its grasps. Every student had paired up in the numerous shadows and were carrying out such carnal acts as would get them expelled were it not for the fact that all the staff, including a scary combination of Filch and his cat, were at it right beside them. Fred and George turned to each other, a sly grin playing across their identical faces.  
  
"Well, what do you think Fred?"  
  
"I think it's bloody brilliant George."  
  
"So do I Fred, so do I." He lifted two cups of punch up and examined them for a moment, "Shall we?"  
  
"I think we shall, George." And with that they both drank down a full cup of the spiked punch and before they knew it were in a tangled aphrodisiacal heap in the floor.  
  
* The End - And a Merry Christmas to All! * 


End file.
